You will frustrate Those You Disciple When, part 4

4. You disciple as their boss and not their coach.

“…not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.”
1 Peter 5:4

This is frustrating because the never know why or see how to do what is expected of them.

There is a major difference between being a boss and being a coach. This translates easily into the discipleship relationship. Just as a good coach shows people how to play and win, a good disciple will show others how to live for the Kingdom. Unfortunately, as a discipler, it is much easier but less effective to settle into the role of just telling the other what they should be doing but never take the time to walk with them in it. Ultimately this can be very frustrating because even thought the words may be clear there is no real model to imitate. After a while the one you are discipling will grow weary of hearing you give instruction with never seeing those instructions lived out in your life.

Here are some differences between a boss and a coach

• A boss gives orders. A coach gives an example.
• A boss controls. A coach involves.
• A boss seeks power. A coach gives power.
• A boss just tells “what”. A coach tells “why” and “what”.

Here are some thoughts to ponder:

You can’t expect the disciple to share their faith unless you show them how.
You can’t expect the disciples to sacrifice their time unless they see you sacrifice yours.
You can’t expect the disciple love people unless you are loving them.
You can’t expect them to know how to read the Bible unless you help them.
You can’t expect them to live counter culturally unless they see you living that way.
You can’t expect them to be vulnerable unless you are vulnerable.

Paul said it well to Timothy. “set an example for the believers in speech, life, love, faith, and purity.” 1 Timothy 4:12

You Will Frustrate Those You Disciple When, part 3

3. You disciple them for your gain and not theirs.

1 Peter 5:2 “…not greedy for money, but eager to serve.”

This frustrates them because once they have accomplished what you want them to accomplish they can be left with a sense of abandonment or confusion.

The person who disciples for their own success tends to view the other person as a project who helps them look better to others. This kind of disciple making is in line with what Paul warned us against in Philippians 2:3 when he said, “do nothing from selfish ambition”. This same theme is seen on Paul’s 2nd letter to the church at Corinth. “So death is at work in us, but life in you…For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving to the glory of God.”

Paul never served for the sake of his own gain but willingly chose to lay down his pursuit of gain so that God would be glorified in the ones he was discipling.

Biblical discipleship always looks to help the other person grow as a follower of Jesus for the sake of the Kingdom. You help them succeed. You help them discover what God is doing in them and then being committed to His movement in their life.

Here are a few qualities of someone who disciples to help others succeed.

1. Humble – Proud people are about themselves. Humble people are about others.
2. Secure – Secure people can help others succeed because they know that if the one they are discipling surpasses them it does not diminish their own value
3. Listeners – Developing the skill of listening to the one you are discipling rather than always being the one talking opens the door to more clearly hear the voice of the Spirit.
4. Teachable – To help others succeed you must be willing to learn and freely give away information.
5. Committed – Those you are discipling need someone to be committed to the movement of God in their life. They need you to be willing to walk with them as far as you can.

You Will Frustrate Those You Disciple When....

You Disciple them out of DUTY and NOT LOVE

1 Peter 5:2“…not under compulsion but willingly, as God would have you.”

Key: This is frustrating because it builds walls that block intimacy.

I recently heard a girl talk about her relationships with the girl that was discipling her. She had high hopes of being poured into and loved. It did not take long for her to realize that she was essentially not much more than a calendar item. This caused the one being discipled to not open her life fully and gave her a “bad taste” for how she understood “being discipled”.

God’s design for disciple making is love (John 15:12-17), a love that willingly lays down it’s life. Peter says in chpt. 1 verse 22 to “love one another deeply and from the heart.” Even when he was mad, Paul’s mode of operation was love (2 Cor. 2:4).

The reality is that if people do not believe that you genuinely love them then they will not be confident in sharing with you the deep things in their life. Which means they are not opening up the places in their heart where the Holy Spirit needs to move.

Here are a few ways to know that your discipling relationship leans more toward duty than love. If these happen consistently, you may be discipling out of duty
1. You have to squeeze them into your life.
2. You are not “with them” when you are with them.
3. It becomes to easy for you to neglect or cancel times of being together.
4. You do not think about them and pray for them unless you are with them.

To disciple out of love is to joyfully sacrifice your life so that Christ will be formed in them (2 Cor. 4).

Application thoughts:
• We can all only love so many people well. Ask for a loving heart and do not try to
disciple more people than you can love.
• Tell those that you are discipling that you love them.
• Ask those you are discipling how they receive and give love.
(Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages is a great resource in understanding this topic)
• Whenever you read Scripture ask the question,
“How can this lead me to love as Jesus loves?”

I pray that you would love well.